Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that if he is elected, the U.S. military will kill at least four per cent of the country's enemies every year. "I've pledged to spend at least four per cent of our gross domestic product on the military," he said. "But keep in mind that I come from the private sector, where we give our employees all the resources they need, then judge them by what they produce. I will expect the U.S. military to produce death and destruction commensurate with the resources I will be giving them."
The U.S. military spent $711 billion in 2011, according to SIPRI, the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute. The next 14 countries combined spent $711.1 billion, according to SIPRI. "If we spend as much as China, Russia, the U.K., France, Japan, Saudi Arabia, India, Germany, Brazil, Italy, South Korea, Australia, Canada, and Turkey, combined, we should expect some bang for our buck," Romney said.
Under questioning, Romney did concede that in head to head competition, the U.S. military has only two significant competitors among the top 15 spenders. "Some of these countries," he muttered, "you wonder why they pay for a military at all. How many people did Brazil kill last year? Or Saudi Arabia? If they tried firing their military, they might find they enjoy it, like I do.
"The Commies," he said, referring to Russia and China, "they're doing better than the capitalists when it comes to military-economic efficiency. Whenever the Russians fall below their kill quota, they just take a field trip to Chechnya. And the Chinese always have Tibet to fall back on."
Romney is known to be scrutinizing spread sheets analyzing the efficiency of the various units of the armed forces. He is particularly skeptical of the Navy. "They just sail around, sail around, but what do they really accomplish? We're giving serious thought to spinning them off. Australia's an island. And they only spend 1.8 per cent of their GDP on their military. We think they're an attractive merger prospect for our Navy."
The infantry also draw his attention. "Sure, they're brave," he says, "but look at their productivity figures. Do you have any idea how many bullets they take to kill just one person?" Romney, of course, has an idea. "50,000 rounds to kill one enemy," he says. "That's about $23,000 per kill, just for ammunition. And the personnel costs in the infantry are sky-high."
"Sure, I'm a job creator," he adds, quickly. "But I enjoy firing people, too." Romney plans to keep the snipers, though, who average a kill for every 1.3 rounds.
Romney is known to take a keen interest in U.S. nuclear weapons. "George Bush gave weapons of mass destruction a bad name," Romney said. "But let's look at this from a cost-benefit point of view. The costs of the Manhattan project have been fully amortized. We have expensed the cost of weapons and maintenance as we've gone along. Why, these bombs are, from a cash flow point of view, practically free!'
"Furthermore," he says, "you have to look at the opportunity costs of not using these weapons. Radioactive materials get less radioactive every year. Tritium triggers go bad. The high explosive lenses get less and less reliable. Pretty soon we'll have all of these bad assets sitting on our balance sheet, and then what will we be? Lehman Brothers."
"Do you see supermarkets letting produce sit on their shelves until they go bad? No. Those people are in the private sector, and they know how to make the most of a valuable but wasting asset. You have to do what it takes to move it. And that's what I'll do if I'm elected president."
"Let me tell you what we can expect from this policy," Romney said. "As you know, Russia is our biggest foe. The Russian population right now is about 140 million. Four per cent of that is 5.6 million people. That's our target number per year. With five fully amortized, fully depreciated one-megaton bombs we could take out Novosibirsk, Yekaterinburg, Nizhy Novgorod, Samara, and Omsk, and make our target."
"If we address our military problems with modern, quantitative management protocols, we can achieve increased productivity," he said. "Just like Robert McNamara."
When asked about the morality of using nuclear weapons, Romney scoffed. "Look, I'm bringing a private sector attitude to the presidency," he said. "We do what it takes." "Besides," he added, "every soul we kill will be posthumously baptised by the Mormon Church. So they will all end up in heaven. It's a win-win situation."